living with anxiety
My GAD-NOS is like that floating bathrobe from the Abilify commercials: I know it’s always there, following me, waiting for my armor to crack, so it can stun me with uncontrollable worries and a crumbling, collapsing emotional state. I can almost feel it lurking underneath my carefully composed “normal” mindset. “Everyday living” feels like I’m just biding my time until it renders me temporarily useless again. I always wonder what will trigger the next attack.
Fortunately I haven’t had a major anxiety attack all semester, and it’s been a few weeks since I had a small one. But even the fact that I know that makes me sad. I don’t want to have to keep count of how long it’s been since I last had a meltdown. My roommates don’t understand, they think it’s something to make fun of. That’s humiliating.
My anxiety was at its worst in the winter; I wonder if that will remain true this year. I’m afraid to find out.
sometimes I’m jealous of people who have time to travel to places I want to go, or get to spend time with their boyfriend…
but then I remember that I’m actually going places in life and have huge goals for my future, and I also remember that they are going to community college (or not going to college at all) and that’s why they have all that free time in the first place.
do you ever wonder if people like cory monteith are up in heaven, crying and filled with regret and sadness, watching the people on earth who have been crushed by their death, and knowing it’s all their fault?
My memory loves you; it asks about you all the time.
right now, it’s Gucci Premiere. but in general I’d say:
- my boyfriend’s clothes
- a spring/summer morning, around 7:00am
- the girls’ bathroom in the lodge at camp (weird but true)
- anything camp-related